wakey wakey hands off snakey
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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