I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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