I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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