i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
