i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
