btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
