You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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