Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
