apparently the secret to your success is patron
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
