i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
