A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Drunk is a universal language darling
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
