i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
