I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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