I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
