His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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