I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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