Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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