Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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