It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
