sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
