yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
