I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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