i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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