My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
