The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
