the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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