How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
