I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
