I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
