I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize