I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
