I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
