He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He has the fingertips of a God
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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