It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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