It's Friday. Sex?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
