Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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