Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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