ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
