no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
