I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
