You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
