you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
