Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
