if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
