I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
