Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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