I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
