Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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