Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
