you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
