there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
