If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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