Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
